Compartmentalized: Complete

The past few weeks, I've taken a break from writing to focus on other things.  Mostly focusing on doing nothing.  I practice and study random things here and there, but for the most part I had to take a creative hiatus. I don't know how Trane or Miles did it without going COMPLETELY insane... although that is up for debate.

I'm actually listening to trombone players for once.  I know I've publicly said I hate the sound of my instrument and that the literature is a drag.  And that is what prompted me to write new music and constantly manipulate sound.

Of course I still look up to my man Dave Taylor, but I don't hear a bass trombone when he plays... I hear something different. Like with Miles, I never heard trumpet, or Brecker, I never heard Sax.

Back to the matter at hand, I am currently doing research on original bass trombone compositions and of course discovered pieces (hundreds actually) that I have never heard of.  Granted, most of them are poorly written, but they gave me an idea of what composers expect from our instrument.

I haven't been writing lately because I don't really hear anything new.  I can come up with random melodies and harmonies... but I don't have any heart in them.

I think most importantly what is going on in my head is a conflict of interest.  Compositionally, I am done writing for duo (at the moment) but I haven't recorded them yet... so the project is still active.
I want to write more fusion stuff at the moment... but I don't actually want to write it out... I want to get comfortable with a group and just let things happen.

Then academically, I want to start writing for large mixed chamber ensembles.  All on top of my normal class load.

I'll eventually get it figured all out... It isn't like I am on a deadline or anything.

First Year Round Up

Needless to say, my move to Texas was a bit of a change of pace.  My mentality belongs in the city, but it is always fun to explore and try new things.

Overall, it has been a successful year with playing and school.  Doctoral Committee, degree plan and thesis proposal are all under wrap.  I played a great recital and I made some great friends along the way.

What isn't fun is being treated like a child.  I haven't been a child since I was 5. I (along with my brother) had to grow up fast.  So when I am in an environment where this kindergarten world is at it's best... I have to feel a little bit threatened.  Maybe not threatened... but betrayed.

Giving a false sense of maturity then treating everyone like they are 18 is an issue in my book.  I do understand that if I say that... then just maybe I have been acting like an 18 year old.  If so, I apologize... but I don't think I am.

It doesn't take much to make a group turn on you.  It's just like performing, it's your job to convince US that you know what you are doing.  It is our job to feel trust and hope.

Take away the right to say "fuck" and
you take away the right to say "fuck the government

If you haven't performed in awhile... I don't expect you to know that feeling. Or... if you are up your own ass about performing and have NO connection to the audience... then why are you in the business?

This semester ended on a very dark note.  I refuse to make time with someone who has an issue with me... it is none of my business what other people think of me.  

But alas, that is the beauty of being an artist... you cannot make EVERYONE happy.  Some people dig what you do, and others don't.  All you can do is keep being honest about what you are and who you are... and hope that at the very least, people will tolerate you and find some sort of commonality.  

A friend of mine said this to me:

"A teachers greatest weakness is that they crave a need to feel that they have changed a student for the better."

He is right... but the problem is... who decided what is better and what is worse?

Since I wasn't consulted when that decision was made... I refuse to abide by those moral laws.

I should have seen this coming when my core group of friends were called out for always hanging out.

It's not like we were excluding people... it's just the natural flow of things... certain people attract others.  It's fucking nature.  Fine... we play the game and try to stop making it look so close knit.

Big problem... the circle gets to big and the comfort level gets larger.  The information in the circle starts leaking out and the wrong people get misinterpreted information.  This causes a mass meeting that perpetuates dark attitudes.

Again, I can't let one issue determine and define and entire year of school.  The overall vibe has been great.  My MM2 will be the first to tell you how dark we can get... and the only way we got through it was by hanging out and having fun.  We did our jobs... made our connections... got paid and got the grades.  Maybe that isn't enough for people down here.

So comes that cloud of... should I stay or should I go.

Play from your fucking heart!!

On a final note. Something that bothers me is this whole "play well with others" thing

I get it... and if I heard that a few years ago I might agree with it.  

Instead I heard, "Would you rather be in a band full of nice guys that can't play, or assholes that can?'

I chose "assholes that can"  

Of course, my friends aren't any bigger of assholes than me... so the chemistry is there when we play.  We find people we like playing with and that's why we do this.  It's hard to play with people you don't trust, and therefore you turn into an asshole and get labeled "doesn't play well with others"

Like it matters.  That's why orchestras exist, and combo groups, it isn't elitist... it is just the best group of people that click.

That being said... maybe I don't click with the majority down here.. and I SHOULD be tossed aside. 

But at the very least... I'd rather it be on MY terms... not anyone else's. 

You can only rebuild when you reach rock bottom

I'm more of an open book than I put on. I'm more than happy to tell people how I feel, my opinions, my backwards ass beliefs (or non beliefs) but no one strops to ask where they all came from.

Honestly, the only answer I can come up with is that we are the summation of our life choices.  The paths I have taken, the people I have met (the people I have lost for that matter) have all shaped what I am today.  If someone has an issue with it, then that isn't my problem...

When someone try's to change who you are, they are asking you to completely forget about everything in your past.  Start from scratch.  Some people like that... but I am not a self loathing piece of shit and am quite proud of where I come from.

Than being said, what do you do when you meet someone with the exact same mentality, thinks they are stronger willed than you, and potentially signs your fate for the rest of your life?


One of you is going to have to swallow your pride if you want it to work, or one of you is going to have to walk away.  When neither of you have nothing to lose... it makes the situation a little tougher.
Regardless, that is the beauty of life, you already know the answers... but sometimes you wish they weren't right.

"If the tale that were unfolding were not so monstrous, aspects of it would break the heart"
~Jean Stafford~

Have you ever wondered why so many people drink... particularly artist?
Next time you are in a bar, go to the bathroom and read the stalls... it's the last safe place for the belligerence that is the human emotion.

You'll see stuff like "MIKE WAS HERE"
Translates to... I want someone to remember me

Or random band names "METALLICA" or "KoRn"
Translates to... These bands were there when nothing else was, they can be there for you too

Or the inevitable deep thought like "Don't live life for retirement"
translates to... well.. Don't live life for retirement

Alcohol, drugs whatever your poison... it releases that evaluative part of your brain and allows you to just exist.  I am not saying that everyone should do any substances... but I am saying that people need to stop giving a damn and just be.

At the end of the day... instead of worrying about the people you were trying to impress... you have to ask if you are happy with where YOU are.