The Artist Never Stops

Now that I have a moment...

Let me catch up... I have just finished my second year at Ky GSA (link on the right) and it was a fantastic experience once again.

The only thing that I have to say is that this world is full of mediocrity and it takes something like this program to remind you that raw, unharnessed talent still exists.  It is just misdirected into public acceptance.

Yes, I do believe that we should pander to our audiences... and that we are servants to our craft... but that isn't the reason why any of us got into this world.

We got into it because we want to express ourselves!!!  Yes, do justice to those who came before you... but they are gone and you have to pick up the torch.

Stop waiting for permission and take the risk... because if you don't.. it is your story that you never told.


My experience these past few weeks has reminded me of where I come from and who I've met and what I've seen.

I got to recently play some tunes with the great pianist Harry Pickens and it reminded me that when you play with a musicians with such experience and such depth musically, and in Harry's case, human wisdom...he is a very heavy person who has been around the block a few times... he is quite experienced in life...  to be around someone like that... and the countless others... Dave Taylor, Dave Liebman, Markowitz... the list goes on... at such a young age for me... really left an impression on how this world is.

To find a photo recap of the last few weeks, please visit Smugmug

(you can browse the entire program and all of the incredible pictures taken by Kevin Flores)

peace and love before I head out to the military world that is Ky marching band.

Week One

Week-end wrap up:

It is the end of the first week of Ky Governor's School for the Arts.  As of right now I have two things to say.

1) It is true what Lieb said, "We can always go to them, but they can't always come to us"
2) I'm proud that I am a musician.

On the first point, Lieb was talking about Jazz musicians vs. Classical musicians.  But I am talking about musician (instrumental and vocal) in general vs. the other disciplines.  Though they all have equal merit and weight... I feel that we possess the capacity to understand better than others.  WHY??

In architecture, the building you are creating serves a static function and aesthetic.  Visual Art,  New Media and so on share a similar attitude.  But with musicians and dancers and writers... we have to know our audience IMMEDIATELY... we have to be able to read the room.  They are witnessing the prep and performance all at once.

But musicians have another element of intangibility to add... We can't physically see music like we can see static art forms.  Yet... music effects us heavily.

The second point is just a statement I wanted to make.
I witnessed some great music by Ensemble Interface last night that blew me away.  Yet, the "open-minded" environment we want to send these kids into doesn't even exist amongst the faculty.

May I remind you that the founder of this group is a GSA alum... where do you think he got the ideas from!!!

I understand that the Cage style music is hard to understand... but you really have to know what Cage was about... and at the end of the day... he is always going to be much more of a musician than any of us.

The way I looked at last night's performance (which was insanely awesome) was that the performers beat the audience in the first round.  The vibe started out accepting.. then became curious... then accepted defeat.  I don't think Cage expected people to understand his music... but at least accept it..


The Instrumental Music kids were there and present.  But that is only a fraction of people... at the end of the day... if all we are going to do is keep looking back and playing the same old shit over and over again... why live... why learn... why take risks... why grow.

Just sit in your comfort zone and just let the rest of us move on without you.

Compartmentalized: Complete

The past few weeks, I've taken a break from writing to focus on other things.  Mostly focusing on doing nothing.  I practice and study random things here and there, but for the most part I had to take a creative hiatus. I don't know how Trane or Miles did it without going COMPLETELY insane... although that is up for debate.

I'm actually listening to trombone players for once.  I know I've publicly said I hate the sound of my instrument and that the literature is a drag.  And that is what prompted me to write new music and constantly manipulate sound.

Of course I still look up to my man Dave Taylor, but I don't hear a bass trombone when he plays... I hear something different. Like with Miles, I never heard trumpet, or Brecker, I never heard Sax.

Back to the matter at hand, I am currently doing research on original bass trombone compositions and of course discovered pieces (hundreds actually) that I have never heard of.  Granted, most of them are poorly written, but they gave me an idea of what composers expect from our instrument.

I haven't been writing lately because I don't really hear anything new.  I can come up with random melodies and harmonies... but I don't have any heart in them.

I think most importantly what is going on in my head is a conflict of interest.  Compositionally, I am done writing for duo (at the moment) but I haven't recorded them yet... so the project is still active.
I want to write more fusion stuff at the moment... but I don't actually want to write it out... I want to get comfortable with a group and just let things happen.

Then academically, I want to start writing for large mixed chamber ensembles.  All on top of my normal class load.

I'll eventually get it figured all out... It isn't like I am on a deadline or anything.

First Year Round Up

Needless to say, my move to Texas was a bit of a change of pace.  My mentality belongs in the city, but it is always fun to explore and try new things.

Overall, it has been a successful year with playing and school.  Doctoral Committee, degree plan and thesis proposal are all under wrap.  I played a great recital and I made some great friends along the way.

What isn't fun is being treated like a child.  I haven't been a child since I was 5. I (along with my brother) had to grow up fast.  So when I am in an environment where this kindergarten world is at it's best... I have to feel a little bit threatened.  Maybe not threatened... but betrayed.

Giving a false sense of maturity then treating everyone like they are 18 is an issue in my book.  I do understand that if I say that... then just maybe I have been acting like an 18 year old.  If so, I apologize... but I don't think I am.

It doesn't take much to make a group turn on you.  It's just like performing, it's your job to convince US that you know what you are doing.  It is our job to feel trust and hope.

Take away the right to say "fuck" and
you take away the right to say "fuck the government

If you haven't performed in awhile... I don't expect you to know that feeling. Or... if you are up your own ass about performing and have NO connection to the audience... then why are you in the business?

This semester ended on a very dark note.  I refuse to make time with someone who has an issue with me... it is none of my business what other people think of me.  

But alas, that is the beauty of being an artist... you cannot make EVERYONE happy.  Some people dig what you do, and others don't.  All you can do is keep being honest about what you are and who you are... and hope that at the very least, people will tolerate you and find some sort of commonality.  

A friend of mine said this to me:

"A teachers greatest weakness is that they crave a need to feel that they have changed a student for the better."

He is right... but the problem is... who decided what is better and what is worse?

Since I wasn't consulted when that decision was made... I refuse to abide by those moral laws.

I should have seen this coming when my core group of friends were called out for always hanging out.

It's not like we were excluding people... it's just the natural flow of things... certain people attract others.  It's fucking nature.  Fine... we play the game and try to stop making it look so close knit.

Big problem... the circle gets to big and the comfort level gets larger.  The information in the circle starts leaking out and the wrong people get misinterpreted information.  This causes a mass meeting that perpetuates dark attitudes.

Again, I can't let one issue determine and define and entire year of school.  The overall vibe has been great.  My MM2 will be the first to tell you how dark we can get... and the only way we got through it was by hanging out and having fun.  We did our jobs... made our connections... got paid and got the grades.  Maybe that isn't enough for people down here.

So comes that cloud of... should I stay or should I go.

Play from your fucking heart!!

On a final note. Something that bothers me is this whole "play well with others" thing

I get it... and if I heard that a few years ago I might agree with it.  

Instead I heard, "Would you rather be in a band full of nice guys that can't play, or assholes that can?'

I chose "assholes that can"  

Of course, my friends aren't any bigger of assholes than me... so the chemistry is there when we play.  We find people we like playing with and that's why we do this.  It's hard to play with people you don't trust, and therefore you turn into an asshole and get labeled "doesn't play well with others"

Like it matters.  That's why orchestras exist, and combo groups, it isn't elitist... it is just the best group of people that click.

That being said... maybe I don't click with the majority down here.. and I SHOULD be tossed aside. 

But at the very least... I'd rather it be on MY terms... not anyone else's. 

You can only rebuild when you reach rock bottom

I'm more of an open book than I put on. I'm more than happy to tell people how I feel, my opinions, my backwards ass beliefs (or non beliefs) but no one strops to ask where they all came from.

Honestly, the only answer I can come up with is that we are the summation of our life choices.  The paths I have taken, the people I have met (the people I have lost for that matter) have all shaped what I am today.  If someone has an issue with it, then that isn't my problem...

When someone try's to change who you are, they are asking you to completely forget about everything in your past.  Start from scratch.  Some people like that... but I am not a self loathing piece of shit and am quite proud of where I come from.

Than being said, what do you do when you meet someone with the exact same mentality, thinks they are stronger willed than you, and potentially signs your fate for the rest of your life?


One of you is going to have to swallow your pride if you want it to work, or one of you is going to have to walk away.  When neither of you have nothing to lose... it makes the situation a little tougher.
Regardless, that is the beauty of life, you already know the answers... but sometimes you wish they weren't right.

"If the tale that were unfolding were not so monstrous, aspects of it would break the heart"
~Jean Stafford~

Have you ever wondered why so many people drink... particularly artist?
Next time you are in a bar, go to the bathroom and read the stalls... it's the last safe place for the belligerence that is the human emotion.

You'll see stuff like "MIKE WAS HERE"
Translates to... I want someone to remember me

Or random band names "METALLICA" or "KoRn"
Translates to... These bands were there when nothing else was, they can be there for you too

Or the inevitable deep thought like "Don't live life for retirement"
translates to... well.. Don't live life for retirement

Alcohol, drugs whatever your poison... it releases that evaluative part of your brain and allows you to just exist.  I am not saying that everyone should do any substances... but I am saying that people need to stop giving a damn and just be.

At the end of the day... instead of worrying about the people you were trying to impress... you have to ask if you are happy with where YOU are.

Reciting

Although this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to preparing for recitals and all the paperwork and bullshit that goes into it, I am looking forward to playing some pieces that most people at this school have never heard.

Mindlessly blowing my brains out.

The biggest issue is rehearsing.  Rather, rehearsing so that the music stays fresh.  When you play and perform with people that know what they are doing, it makes everything easier.  In that aspect, this past week of rehearsals have been cake.  But each time we play, my mind thinks of something different, and I have to do what my ear tells me to.

I don't know how Miles and Trane did it.  No wonder they needed drugs or God to get them through their careers.

Regardless, this Thursday will be fun, but with the mindset of it being just another hoop to jump through.
At the end of the day, it is for the music.

Step back from thinking that all eyes are on you when performing, it's quite humbling to think of everything it took to get you where you are.

The Creative Process

There is no "formula" for how to be creative.
If anything, it is trial and error.

For the most part, when we are stuck, its not because the task at hand is bad,
it's because we don't fully believe in our capabilities. Or trust the outcome to be to our standards.
Fuck our standards. Let's face it, look at the standard that shows like American Idol and the Voice and all of that other bullshit sets.  You're going to tell me you can't do better than that?

Perhaps being overly trained (and yes, I fall into that category as well) hurts us.  We know too much, we've seen how great and how shitty things can be.

Be the person who escapes the prison of
self doubt and knowledge.

It's like being a doctor and having a child.  They will jump at every sneeze or cough, because they have seen things go wrong.  In reality, it's probably the sniffles, but still there is that burden of knowledge.

I am a generation brought up under the mantra, "Knowledge is Power"
Fuck having power, I say let go!!!
Stop trying to control everything. It's pathetic.

Back to the point... what kind of artist are you?
One that does it for the money, the fame, or to keep art alive?

We all want to be paid for what we do. This doesn't make you a sell out, it makes you a product of capitalism.. being famous is out of someones control, so don't strive for fame.  If the art is good or bad, it still exist and perpetuates the symptoms of criticism. So what is the creative process?

Step One: Let Go!
Lesson Complete

The art of art is simple. It's about self expression; to convey the entire spectrum of human emotions.  I suppose here, having a little more knowledge is essential.  But human emotion is not taught... it is experienced.

Our issue is balancing our being
mind-intellect-head-thought-ideas.... or
body-technique-hand-facility-tools....or
spirit-extension-heart-feeling-emotions.

"Nothing is out of the question for me. I’m always thinking about creating. 
My future starts when I wake up in the morning and see the light…Then I’m grateful"

That is enough to think about don't you think?  So why the hell do we put ourselves through years and years of school... because society says so and the government needs money.  Regardless, we need teachers and I am not saying abandon education... (perhaps I am saying abandon the CURRENT education system)

My biggest point is, look within. Art is not math, it is intangible, it doesn't have a strict wall surrounding it.  From my personal experience, I am trying to write a suite of sorts, but am struggling.  I as frustrated that I couldn't get the right ideas out on paper.  Then it hit me, I am too absorbed in something else right now, a different kind of writing.  I HEAR duo stuff with piano right now,  and I am trying to force my mind to hear and see something I am not ready for.  I will eventually get to that point, but I am not under a deadline.  I remember being in class and having a composition due the next week over the concepts we just learned, I wasn't immersed in the concepts long enough to HEAR them, so the composition came out sounding 3 weeks old. Why? Because I finally heard the concepts we learned about 3 weeks ago.

Of course, good teachers recognize how compartmentalized school is, and accept that not every student can catch on as quickly as others, but it can be a real drag when you want to write something but your mind is just out of balance.

Give yourself time, and everything will fall in place.  To truly master something, it takes practice of more than just the techniques...