Overall, it has been a successful year with playing and school. Doctoral Committee, degree plan and thesis proposal are all under wrap. I played a great recital and I made some great friends along the way.
What isn't fun is being treated like a child. I haven't been a child since I was 5. I (along with my brother) had to grow up fast. So when I am in an environment where this kindergarten world is at it's best... I have to feel a little bit threatened. Maybe not threatened... but betrayed.
Giving a false sense of maturity then treating everyone like they are 18 is an issue in my book. I do understand that if I say that... then just maybe I have been acting like an 18 year old. If so, I apologize... but I don't think I am.
It doesn't take much to make a group turn on you. It's just like performing, it's your job to convince US that you know what you are doing. It is our job to feel trust and hope.
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| Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say "fuck the government |
If you haven't performed in awhile... I don't expect you to know that feeling. Or... if you are up your own ass about performing and have NO connection to the audience... then why are you in the business?
This semester ended on a very dark note. I refuse to make time with someone who has an issue with me... it is none of my business what other people think of me.
But alas, that is the beauty of being an artist... you cannot make EVERYONE happy. Some people dig what you do, and others don't. All you can do is keep being honest about what you are and who you are... and hope that at the very least, people will tolerate you and find some sort of commonality.
A friend of mine said this to me:
"A teachers greatest weakness is that they crave a need to feel that they have changed a student for the better."
He is right... but the problem is... who decided what is better and what is worse?
Since I wasn't consulted when that decision was made... I refuse to abide by those moral laws.
I should have seen this coming when my core group of friends were called out for always hanging out.
It's not like we were excluding people... it's just the natural flow of things... certain people attract others. It's fucking nature. Fine... we play the game and try to stop making it look so close knit.
Big problem... the circle gets to big and the comfort level gets larger. The information in the circle starts leaking out and the wrong people get misinterpreted information. This causes a mass meeting that perpetuates dark attitudes.
Again, I can't let one issue determine and define and entire year of school. The overall vibe has been great. My MM2 will be the first to tell you how dark we can get... and the only way we got through it was by hanging out and having fun. We did our jobs... made our connections... got paid and got the grades. Maybe that isn't enough for people down here.
So comes that cloud of... should I stay or should I go.
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| Play from your fucking heart!! |
On a final note. Something that bothers me is this whole "play well with others" thing
I get it... and if I heard that a few years ago I might agree with it.
Instead I heard, "Would you rather be in a band full of nice guys that can't play, or assholes that can?'
I chose "assholes that can"
Of course, my friends aren't any bigger of assholes than me... so the chemistry is there when we play. We find people we like playing with and that's why we do this. It's hard to play with people you don't trust, and therefore you turn into an asshole and get labeled "doesn't play well with others"
Like it matters. That's why orchestras exist, and combo groups, it isn't elitist... it is just the best group of people that click.
That being said... maybe I don't click with the majority down here.. and I SHOULD be tossed aside.
But at the very least... I'd rather it be on MY terms... not anyone else's.
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